Stories from My Professional Work: Opening the Door to My Work with Incarcerated Youth
I knew what was coming before he walked through the door.
I was standing behind the staff desk when Johnny came back from school that afternoon. He was laughing with a few friends, smiling like he already knew how the day was going to go. He thought he had the promotion in the bag. I can still see him pushing his hair out of his face. Most of the kids kept their hair buzzed short, but he hadn’t done it yet. That image stuck with me.
And I felt it in the pit of my stomach. The dread of what I had to do next.
I had to tell him no.
Johnny was tall, muscular, and known outside the program as a gang member. He was an expert at intimidation. Inside the unit he was something else entirely. Kind. Generous. He checked in on kids who were struggling. He offered encouragement when someone felt defeated and made time to listen when others wouldn’t. He wanted to move up in levels, to earn the furlough privileges that came with advancement. He talked about it constantly.
But I also saw what he didn’t want me to see. He was breaking rules and covering it up. When confronted, he denied everything. Some staff believed him. I knew the truth. And I knew that promoting him before he was ready would set him up to fail.
Knowing it was right didn’t make it easier to say.
When I told him he wasn’t being promoted, he erupted.
He yelled and slammed his door. He cursed and then pleaded with me to change my mind. And I won’t pretend I wasn’t scared. I was. He was a big kid and he was angry. I’d heard about the things he was capable of outside those walls.
And for weeks afterward he gave me sharp, angry looks every time he passed me. Silent reminders that I was the one who had said no. The hostility was palpable. I questioned myself more than once. Had I made the right call? Was any of this worth it?
I held my ground.
I didn’t know the term “protector part” then. What I knew was that Johnny’s anger wasn’t the whole story. Underneath it was something I’d seen in glimpses: the kid who sat with struggling peers, who noticed when someone was having a hard day, who cared more than he wanted anyone to know. The rage was loud. But it wasn’t who he was.
It was protecting who he was.
In Internal Family Systems, this is a protective part. A part that erupts in anger when someone feels cornered, exposed, or powerless. The heat is a shield. The anger is armor. I’m guessing he felt ashamed that he hadn’t been honest. I think he was scared that he wasn’t ready and desperate not to have to face either of those things out loud.
Holding that boundary, saying “not yet” and meaning it, was one of the harder things I did in that job. Not because I doubted the decision. Because I had to sit with his anger and not back down from it, week after week, while also holding onto what I believed was possible for him.
Months later, Johnny earned his promotion. This time he was ready. He had done the work he’d been avoiding: the honesty and accountability. Real growth.
We were sitting in the dayroom when he brought it up himself. He laughed and said he had been so angry when I denied him the first time. But now he got it.
I felt proud of him in that moment. Genuinely proud.
That laugh told me everything. He could look back at that protective part without being consumed by it. He could see what it had been protecting and why. For a kid who had spent years leading with fire, that was a long way to come.
Johnny taught me that holding a boundary, even when someone erupts against it, can be an act of care. Sometimes the most caring thing we can do is hold the line, and wait.
The anger was never the whole story. It was just the loudest part.
Reflection Questions
- Think of a young person in your life whose anger makes you want to back down or give in. What might their lava protector be protecting?
- When you hold a boundary and someone erupts, what happens in your own body? What parts of you get activated?
- What would it mean to see past the heat to the person underneath?
This post is part of my series, Stories from My Professional Work, exploring protector parts through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS). IFS was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, whose work continues to shape how I teach, write, and understand the protective parts we all carry.
- The Kid Behind the Fire - June 8, 2026
- The Kid Who Trusted No One - June 1, 2026
- Stories from My Professional Work - May 29, 2026
When I was young, I witnessed Lava vs. Lava between my mom and sister. It was extremely frightening for me to see. So it is important to remember that Lava has a protective intention because, in my adult life, it still feels uncomfortable to be around someone who is communicating from their Lava part. Rather than escape like Bolt or shut down and hide like Vanish, I want to stay present and calm and hold space, knowing that under that other person’s Lava, they are protecting a younger part of themselves. I want to shift into that kind of understanding that allows for compassion.
Given enough time and space, that person has the ability to return to a calm place where open communication and problem-solving can happen. For me, it’s remembering that I can weather the storm until that person can return to their calm wisdom.